SPOILER WARNING for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. “Scars” (2x20)!
Today, a guest post
from the recently departed:
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| Image Courtesy www.facebook.com/AgentsofShield |
Are you planning your first meeting with the
leader of a highly secretive race consisting of the super enhanced descendents
of a group of alien test subjects whose civilization predates your own by millennia? Do you want advice to ensure that your
meeting goes smoothly—and doesn’t end with their highly xenophobic leader
turning you to stone as part of a plot to incite war between your peoples? Well, you’re in luck!
My name is Robert
Gonzales and I used to be a leader of the Strategic Homeland Intervention,
Enforcement, and Logistics Division (“S.H.I.E.L.D.” for short; you may have
heard of our TV show). However, my
meeting with a leader of the Inhumans—that highly secretive race consisting of
the super enhanced descendents of a group of alien test subjects whose
civilization predates my own by millennia—did not go well. So I’m here from beyond the grave to tell you
how you can learn from my mistakes with…
Bobby G’s Rules for Negotiating with the Inhumans:
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| Image Courtesy www.comicbook.com |
Rule #1: Ask for a Meeting; Don’t Demand
One
Would you just pop in
on the President of the United States one afternoon? The polite thing to do is make a request for
an audience and allow him the courtesy of setting a date and time—and refusing
if he so desires. Show the same courtesy
to the leader of what is essentially an independent nation of incredibly
powerful people. Demanding a meeting is
a good way to get that meeting off on the wrong foot no matter who it is with—the
leader of the free world or the leader of the people group that could enslave
the free world if they had half a mind to!
With the Inhumans, it is all the more important to request instead of
demanding.
The Inhumans are
extremely xenophobic. They maintain
their independence from all outsiders with almost a religious fervor. Before now, it is highly unlikely that anyone
has even known that they existed as a group—much less met with their
leaders. If they are not interested in
such a meeting, demanding one will damage any chances you have of
fostering a positive relationship. And not
having a positive relationship with the Inhumans is not a good idea.
Rule #2: Pick a Neutral Location
The Inhumans value
their privacy. They value secrecy. Why would they build their sanctuary in an
inaccessible area of the Himalayas if they did not want to be left alone? The fact that their primary means of
transportation is a teleporter—who is the only member of the group who knows
the city’s location—should be evidence enough that they do not want to be
found. Even if you know where their
secret sanctuary is, don’t show up on their doorstep for your meeting; at least
let them retain the illusion of secrecy.
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| Image Courtesy www.panels.net |
Rule #3: Don’t Bring a Small Army to the Meeting
This point is not
rocket science. In the history of this
group, they are more accustomed to being taken away by stormtroopers than to
being the ones taking others away. Men
with guns showing up at the Inhumans’ front door generally means that some
human is going to try to do something bad to them. Is that really the first impression you want
to make? A show of force will not get
your meeting off on the right foot. It will
not make you look like a threat they do not want to mess with. Instead, it will get you lumped in with all
of the other groups that have shown up to attack the Inhumans for being
different and scary. And that cannot end
well. For you.
Rule #4: Don’t Compare Vivisection to a Limp
These people have
experienced horrors you cannot begin to comprehend. Among other things, Hydra scientists have
vivisected them in an attempt to unlock the key to their powers. Those fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to
survive—thanks to a little help from the local mad scientist—will bear the
scars of those horrors for a lifetime. Torture
and vivisection is not the same thing as being shot and walking with a
limp. You may think that shared
suffering at the hands of Hydra will endear you to the Inhumans’ leader. It will not.
She will take it as comparing your Yugo with minor hail damage to her
Ferrari that was torched in a gas station explosion.
Rule #5: Treat Them like Israel, Not ISIS
This is an independent
people-group with their own system of governance and culture. This isn’t a bunch of people who started
playing with a kids’ chemistry set, gave themselves bat wings, and ran off to
form a commune last week. This group has
existed since long before your ancestors were born. Treat them like they have as much right to
exist as you do—if not more.
Above all, do not
treat them like the terrorist group of the week which you need to deal with
before you can go golfing for the weekend.
It won’t end well.
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| “Not a good plan” -Tony Stark Image Courtesy www.comicbook.com |
Rule #6: Trying to Brand Them… Not a Good Plan
You have no authority
to “Index” these people who form an independent people-group/nation. They have never submitted to anything of the
like before; what makes you think you can exert that power over them now?
These people have
never had a good experience with regular humans knowing about them. No one has ever offered to put them on a list
and then not turned around and tried to exploit or dissect them. If you offer to “brand” them by registering
them as enhanced people, you will meet resistance. And you will break. Into pieces.
Rule #7: Offering to Put Them Down when They Step out
of Line… Also Not a Good Plan
Would you walk into a
foreign country uninvited and offer to hold their citizens accountable to your
standards—to which they have never agreed—by becoming their de facto police force? Would you do that if every single citizen of
that foreign country might have the ability to snap your neck like a twig—and most
probably do? The very idea is
absurd. These Inhumans prefer to govern
themselves and police themselves. They have
the ability to govern and police themselves.
They have been governing themselves and keeping their own people
in line by themselves for millennia without any interference from your kind. Kindly give them the dignity of continuing to
do so.
Rule #8: They Hold All the Cards
When you walk in like
the conquering general and expect them to roll over and let you have whatever
you want, it can make them angry. And when
you act as though you hold all the cards and they can’t do anything against
you, it sets you up for failure.
What cards do you have
to play? These people are vastly more
powerful than you in ways you can’t begin to comprehend. You don’t know anything about them; they know
everything about you. Their history
stretches back into the ages before your ancestors could write; your
organization is younger than their leader.
All you have on them is the location of one of their cities—a city they can
vacate in a matter of hours, which is something they have done more times in
their past than you can count, and for less reason than some human would-be
king waltzing in like he owns the joint.
Ultimately, you do not
have any leverage over the Inhumans. If you
pretend that you do—and act that way in front of their leader—then it will just
make you look that much stupider when they pull the rug out from under you.
Rule #9: Working Together is the Name of the Game
You cannot hope to
control these people; trying to do so will just offend them. You cannot expect them to allow you to “Index”
them; trying to do so will ruin any chances you have of success. All you can do is try for peaceful
coexistence and cooperation in areas of mutual benefit. Trying to do anything more is suicide.
Long story short: Try to work together!
Conclusion
I hope that this guide
will prove useful in your future dealings with the Inhumans; I sure wish I had
known half of this before I wound up on the wrong end of a Diviner-infused
synthetic Terrigen Crystal!
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What do you think of the
late Agent Gonzales’ advice for negotiating with the Inhumans? If he had done these things, do you thing he
would have survived, or do you think Jiaying had already made up her mind to
start a war with S.H.I.E.L.D. the moment Skye said they were looking for a
meeting? Personally, I think if either
Coulson had come himself or Gonzales had approached her with more deference
then all of this might have been avoided, but I would love to hear your
thoughts.
How do you think the
season finale is going to go? I’m
excited for the two-hour length and the promise of a massive super-powered
fight scene. That Cal might be going
full Hyde is just the icing on the cake!
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